ok, so, i’m having one of those days that seem to be rare for other twenty-somethings with the same up bringing as mine. usually i go through the day with no thoughts of how other people live and what i’ve been blessed with. but today? well, it’s one of those days that i seem to be having more and more often as i mature and experience new things - i’m thinking over all the opportunities i’ve had, the possessions i have, and all that jazz — and feeling thankful.

i’m in midtown right now, and as i was walking to one of my classes, i saw some people who looked, well, ‘bummy’. usually i think nothing of it, but then i saw this beat up old car on it’s last leg drive by and it got me thinking….sure, my car isn’t the latest model but it runs like a well-oiled machine, it has all of it’s parts and a shiny coat of paint, it doesn’t warrant any noise violations, and is pretty aesthetically pleasing. i may feel a tinge of jealousy when i see a shiny new porsche, beemer, or benz drive by, but really? i’m 21 years old with a nicer car than some people twice my age. bam, jealousy gone.

so anyways…as that fancy, theoretical, foreign car passes, i see a theoretical chick standing there with the latest gucci purse, hot christian louboutin heels, perfectly highlighted hair cleansed with products that are astronomically priced, and all sorts of other expensive clothes and trinkets. uh oh, there is that feeling of envy again! but them i’m all like, “waitaminute….” here i am standing in my seven jeans, sperry topsiders, and banana republic cashmere cardigan…texting my best friend on my iPhone…drinking a hot $5 starbucks latte with all the fixings…while holding my sorority letter bag…which makes me think of all my freakin’ awesome sisters…which makes me think of the days at my $42, 500 a year private college…where i spent the days slaving away over a paper on my Macbook covered by a hot-pink case…which makes me think of my hot pink digicam with matching pink printer…which makes me think of all the pictures i’m going to take on the weekends when i go out to the bars with my best friends and buy $8 drinks…and then pay for a cab home…then when i get home, i’m going to sleep in my perfectly air-conditioned room on my brand new (and horribly comfortable) mattress…then when i get out of my comfy bed in the morning, i’m going to eat a hot meal made from food my parents bought for me then take a hot shower…then i’m going to spritz on some chanel or lilly pulitzer perfume (squeeze or wink? - that is the question) and apply my mac makeup…then i’m going to get out my car keys attached to my vera bradley yellowbird (reppin’ theta!) wristlet and drive my car to starbucks to get another drink and study for my post-baccalaureate classes that i can afford to take…and as i study, i’ll be listening to music on my iPhone and waiting for my two best friends (that i am so lucky to have) to come up and get their daily caffeine fix…and then i’ll go home and eat dinner that my awesomely-fantastic parents (i’m lucky to have them) prepared for me…and then probably get out that pink camera and go to the bar with my friends and buy more expensive drinks and pay for a cab home while wearing another pair of seven jeans and a cashmere brooks brothers sweater…

are y’all picking up on what i’m laying down? LOOK AT ALL THE MATERIAL POSSESSIONS I HAVE! so they’re not top-knotch, WHATEVER! they are nice things with good craftsmanship that will last me a while. notice the educational opportunities i’ve been given! i have both of my loving, supportive parents who are still together, many close friends that i adore, respect, and rely on, and sisters who have taught me new things and given me the opportunity to share a bond that goes beyond friendship or simple group membership. i have a brother and sister that love me unconditionally, even from thousands of miles away. i have a large extended family that is loving, generous, and supportive (albeit hilariously dysfunctional at times). i have a comfortable house, and although it’s not an executive mansion or full of luxurious amenities, it’s mine and i love it. it keeps me safe, cools me in the summer, and warms me in the winter. i have a nice car that i can rely on. i eat good, healthy food without worry of when my next meal is. i have a trendy phone and an amazing, reliable computer that is all mine.

i’m a lucky girl, and i know it. sometimes i forget, just like everyone else, but i’ve begun to exercise my awareness of what i have and i’m teaching myself to take a few minutes each day to reflect on what i’m thankful for. you should try it someday, it really puts things into a perspective many don’t have the capacity for. not only that, it feels a lot healthier to focus on what i have instead of what others have/what i wish i had.

cheers!

**disclaimer - i am not spoiled. all of the aforementioned material possessions were purchased by yours truly (with the exception of a few items purchased by others as birthday/christmas gifts). put that in your pipe and smoke it.

aside from the 3-ish hours i spend in agony class on mondays and wednesday, i am alone on campus; just me and my iPhone. obviously there are other people on campus so i’m not technically ‘alone’, but i know no one currently taking classes at the university i am attending for some post-bacc coursework. being a social person, it’s not necessarily conducive to my well-being or my need to share a connection with another human being. this loneliness leads me into dangerous territory for blondes — THINKING! all i do is think. i think about the city of detroit, and it’s joys and pains (i see a lot of homeless looking individuals on campus). i wonder if my parents are having a good day at work, if my old-fart of a dog is still alive at home, or what time it is in Australia where my sister lives and if she’s awake or sleeping - likewise for my brother who lives in Oregon. i wonder what other people are thinking as i observe their interactions with others, or as they sit alone looking at / doing nothing in particular. but today i’ve been thinking about (drumroll, please) the concept of ‘moving on’…

i recently happened upon a quote that says something along the lines of, “you never move on from someone, you just learn to live without them”. does the quote speak to the truth - that we never quite move on from, but rather adapt to a loss? is it possible to actually fully, completely, 100% move on from something? could it be a mix of both? well, since i’m not omniscient, i can’t answer these questions. first of all, i haven’t been in all the situations that require moving on, and furthermore, everyone experiences loss / grief / etc. differently. maybe the ability to move on is situational and not related to the differences among individuals. 

before you can even move on from something, that something must first hold meaning and importance to a person. without an affective connection or a sense of value, there would be no need to move on - you’re already there, amiright? there are many losses that are usually associated with ‘moving on’ over time.

the first loss is one where, unless you have no feelings, no real moving on ever occurs — instead one must adapt to the loss. it is the most permanent loss of all - death. death of a spouse, family member, friend (BFF or not), family pet, boyfriend/girlfriend. losing someone this way is not something that is ‘move-on-able’. no matter how much time passes, no matter how old you are….you never move on from the death of someone you love and care about. instead, it is possible to ‘learn to live without them’. it’s a struggle every day and will continue to be, but it is possible. just over a year ago my best friend’s mom unexpectedly passed away, and though she never outwardly showed it, she was and still is grieving and suffering. since then, her and her family have been learning to continue living without their cherished family member - taking over the responsibilities usually taken care of by her mom, resolving feelings, etc. examples as such are ones that lend the whole truth and nothing but the truth to the quote that inspired this rant..

another type of loss is that of romantic relationships (friendships can be lumped in here, too). having been in 2 serious, long-term relationships that were both ended by lies and betrayal on the part of the other person, i do believe that i can understand this one pretty well. i’ll spare y’all the details, but i will say that the feelings i experienced (and still am) after ending the relationships were different each time. with the first, i think the relationship had run it’s course 1.5 years before it ended. nostalgia hurt, and breaking the daily routine i had established with this person hurt, but i didn’t really experience sorrow or grief. something deep inside of me knew that the end was past-due. the feelings just weren’t really there anymore - i didn’t have much to move on from as there was barely anything left. the second ‘end’, well…t’s a whole different story. not only was this person my lover and romantic partner, he was also my best friend and someone with whom i had forged a deep, deep bond and connection with - something i cannot put into words. i lost a person that i deeply love, respected, value, and looked up to. he is someone that i am still trying to live without. he was the only person i felt fully comfortable and safe with, and the only person i trust to keep my deepest and darkest secrets just that - secrets. anything that happens to me - funny, sad, embarrassing, happy, etc. - are things that i want to share with him. every day i fight the urge to send him a text because, just maybe, i still haven’t learned to walk through life alone. i know for sure that i still love him and always will in some way or another, and i’ve come to terms with the idea that maybe what everyone aims for at the end of a relationship isn’t always possible in all situations. when you have true love, you don’t just fall out of it, right? you learn to live without the person you love.

i am by no means saying that i’ll never fall in love again or that this dude is the ‘one’. first of all, i don’t believe in the ‘one’. it is my belief that, throughout one’s lifetime, they will have the opportunity and capacity to fall in love with many different people - it’s about deciding which type of love is your ‘best fit’. i don’t mean that we consciously go through qualities and like, actually CHOOSE which person is best - rather it’s this slight (or not-so-slight) inkling a person gets when they say they “found the one”..ANYWHO…when you learn to live without something, it opens your eyes, heart, and mind to other good things and people. when you learn to live without what you lost, it’s entirely possible that you’ll find something/someone different (just as good, duh), and if it’s possible, someone better! the moral of the story is, moving on from love is situational and individual in my opinion. sometimes it can be done and sometimes it can’t (not using can’t as an absolute because my wounds are still fresh and time / circumstance could easily help me ‘move on’. but since i can’t tell the future - I DON’T KNOW. i’ll get back to you 5 years from now).

other types of loss involve things such as material possessions, membership in a certain group, failing a class, etc. things that, in the grand scheme, aren’t as emotionally weighted (or at least SHOULDN’T BE) as the death of loved one or the end of a truly cherished relationship/friendship. these are one that i believe can be moved on from, and here’s how (end sad, mushy part of rant and insert light-hearted material):

1) Lose necklace - BUY A NEW, EVEN BETTER ONE. it was probs last season anyways.

2) Crash your car - Ride a bike. C’mon America, stop being so damn lazy.

3) Fail a test - Um, actually study. Your ‘bad’, bro.

5) Lose a phone - Try living without your mobile for a few days until you feel refreshed from being out of contact with the rest of the crazy world. Buy a new one if money permits.

6) Get kicked out of your clique - Find better people, they were bitches anyway.

7) Lose your mind - Who cares, life is better with some insanity!

what do y’all think about ‘moving on’? does it involve actually getting over the loss of something / someone (i.e. no feelings remain), or is it more of an adaptational process where each day is a lesson in how to get through it without what you love? hey, i thought it was an interesting concept!

over&out,

LD